I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
