Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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