k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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