Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
