I want you more than these girls want KFC
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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