I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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