perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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