I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
Randomize
