Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
