sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Randomize
