Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
