I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Randomize
