Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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