I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
