Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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