I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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