I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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