she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
