Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
