My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
