i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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