Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
