thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
