I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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