omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
