hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
