i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
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