yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
