Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
