a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
