and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
