U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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