He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
