he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
foreskin is a definite game changer
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
