Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
