I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
