I can't breathe out the right side of my face
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
