Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
