i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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