wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
