pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Randomize
