Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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