The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
