I wish life had little blips of pornography
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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