I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I can't put those talents on a resume
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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