she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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