my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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