He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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