If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
