Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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