did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
