either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
