They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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