Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
